Monday, March 14, 2011

Moving forward

The author of a comment about this blog -- about what has happened to me -- wrote the following:
"My wish for you now would be to focus on your own health, being as kind and good to yourself as you can, and not waste any precious energy on revenge or defense, though you must be very angry."
Yes, I am angry. My body is messed up. I'm in a huge financial hole not of my own making. My reputation and ability to work have been damaged. My home and many of my belongings have been lost. My illness has never been correctly diagnosed and treated by those who are supposed to be able to do so. I was belittled and humiliated by those I thought I could trust. I was wrongly locked up -- twice, and was terrorized and nearly put away for the rest of my life. I've been forced to live "on the street." ... Yes, I am angry -- very angry.

Of particular interest to me has been the extent to which (some) people are unable to be open to possibilities unfamiliar to them or seemingly unlikely, and the related extent to which people -- on the basis of so little information -- are able to decide they know better than me or confirmed facts about my health (i.e., what is or isn't or could or couldn't be wrong) and/or what happened to me and/or what others did or didn't do. This has hurt me greatly and has been reflected in the behavior of friends, family, and medical personnel.

I've encountered this phenomenon in my professional life and wrote of it -- at least in part -- in my professional blog under the title of "Preconceived notions," referencing my own examples as well as examples from others, including Paul Saffo, Richard Seymour, and Roger Martin. (See also "To what extent does where we come from impact where we (can) go?".) This phenomenon is a big deal, and I have felt that I had no choice but to address it in this blog as it has applied to my nightmare. I want to understand it better and hope to bring attention to it even more.

I also hope to bring greater attention to what can happen behind locked doors in U.S. psychiatric units and to the incompetence of western medical professionals regarding parasite infection. Additionally, I'd like to do something to improve the plight of the homeless.

I appreciate the commenter's wish that I "not waste any precious energy on revenge or defense." However, it is not "revenge" that I seek as much as justice and a time when no one else will ever experience the kind of nightmare I have had to endure.

Am I focusing on my health, as the commenter recommends? Well, I am trying to do so in spite of the obstacles. I'm now playing a waiting game -- waiting for appointments to arrive and to be scheduled. Meanwhile, the state of my health makes it hard for me to not focus on it continually.

Am I "being as kind and good to [my]self as [I] can"? I am trying to do that as well, helped, in part, by friends. Recently, I saw the first movie I had seen in a theater in a year and a half, and I tasted the first cabernet I had tasted in probably two years. Both were wonderful and free, and were particularly delightful given the important role movies and wine used to play in my life. In two days, I'll be given the opportunity to return to the de Young Museum.

And I'm participating in my profession again, to a certain extent, as followers of my professional blog and my tweets can attest.

In short, I want my life back. Writing about my nightmare in this blog is just one step of many towards achieving that goal.

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